Well, I’m delighted to report that a bunch of British scientists have devoted their vast education and probably a bunch of investors’ cash to develop yet another means to help us hate our bodies.
Just in the nick of time, too. We were so close to making some progress on the body acceptance front, and that was just going to lead to much less enticing advertising and more comfortable seats in airplanes, and with these, clearly, go the whole world economy.
We are saved.
Here’s the new technology. Please finish swallowing whatever is in your mouth before you read on, because I can’t be responsible for choking or inadvertent nasal irrigation:
A tollbooth, which could be placed in malls, train stations, public squares, which would scan your entire body, creating a snapshot that will show you how much fat is on your body and where it is deposited.
Like I don’t know that already.
Like I haven’t known that since the fourth grade, when we cruel humans begin to use another technology far more ubiquitous and effective: Pointing and Laughing.
Like I don’t own a tape measure, and don’t know that when my waist exceeds my hip measure, I’m in trouble, healthwise.
I don’t have enough gym trainers and bathroom scales willing to calculate body fat for me?
Is this a necessary piece of technology, really?
I’m all for cheaper, faster body scanning technology for all manner of diagnostic uses. But a way to send my anorexic kid into the mall bathroom to puke up her Orange Julius because she sees a tablespoon more of fat on her thighs than on those of her best friend?
I don’t think so, Poindexter.
Let your little booth express the result as a percentage, please, so our girls and boys do not waste their time in “spot” reducing exercises.
Please go back to the lab, and invent a cheaper, better MRI machine, one that can be placed in every Dr.’s office to detect serious problems faster.
Find a faster, cheaper, home-based method to measure our metabolisms to help us lose weight.
Make me a machine that will measure my hydration levels when I’m out running so I don’t get into trouble.
Make an asthma medication delivery system that is guaranteed to work.
Give me something I can USE.
(But let me know when the booth is ready, because I’m dying to try it out.)
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