Skinny Daily Post


I suppose it’s too late to switch careers and become a scientist. I expect that I would be required to return to school for a few classes that I would have to actually pass. Like mathematics. And higher mathematics. And on top of all that, I’d have to know what those mathematics are good for. I’d have to be better with details, so I remember where I put the petrie dishes. I suppose I’d have to take good notes, too, so I know what I’m supposed to be doing on any given day.

Oh well.

It just isn’t going to happen for me. My career in science is over before it’s even begun. I’m washed up.

But still. I hanker.

When I read about the folks who are, just for instance, researching chicken genes to see if they can tell us anything about why humans grow fat? Why then I imagine these really relaxed folks in clean white lab coats (very long, very slimming), studying their clipboards with a nice tall latte in one hand, and pondering. Think. Think. Think.

And I really wish that were my day. They are not scrambling from client meeting to client meeting. They won’t spend 20 minutes today looking at a 300-item To Do list and wondering which 10 items they’ll aim for and fail to complete by the end of the day. They aren’t wondering how to deal with the sick kid and the broken stove and the broken toilet and the sick dog and the scratch in the car and the many dropped social batons while keeping billable hours up and bills paid.

No. They have misty blue-lighted rooms held at even temperatures. White noise. Serenity. Quiet. You’ve seen the movies. “Hmmm these chickens are fatter than those chickens. I think there must be something IN that. But what could it possibly be? Maybe the Rand Corporation or the Gates Foundation or a couple of crazy rich Italian anorexic fashion designers or Col. Sanders will give me $4 million to find out. Let’s just see.”

I have ideas. I need smart detail people who understand science, a lab, some glass containers, a Bunsen burner, and a grant or two or three. I am willing to donate half my garage to this endeavor. I make great latte.

There are lots of animals in the world who exhibit human characteristics nearly as well as chickens do. Snakes. Dogs. Amazonian Sloths. And some get fat and some don’t. They all have genes.

Anybody want to join me? We don’t have to hurt the animals at all. Just get them to spit on slides once in awhile.

There are big bucks in it. And good coffee.


Big Fat Chicken Research

Amazonian Sloths, behaving and metabolizing a lot like the humans in my household

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