Skinny Daily Post

Invincible.

What can I say? I’m sitting here typing furiously in an effort to center myself. To relax. To not munch. I had a good snack — a bag of soy chips — a while ago, and that really should hold me for another 3-4 hours. But it’s the stress that’s getting to me right now. The Alzheimer’s mom [hereafter and forever more to be referred to as AM] wants dinner, but is refusing to eat because I’m not nearly ready to join her. [note to those of you contemplating or living with WLS — you cannot allow your eating to be dictated by other people. Listen to your body and learn its new schedule, and plan for it, even if that means lunch at 3 and dinner at 10!!!!]

We returned at 2:30 from a weekend with my sister. It’s now 6 pm. I’ve unpacked AM, assembled the laundry, done the first load, picked up the dog from the kennel, taken the dog hiking. Found AM’s 18-year-old cat who decided to hide in the basement while we were gone. Gone to the drug store and the butcher, picked up some money at the bank, and AM’s prescription. At 5:30, the nightly coaching of AM through the process of feeding the dog started. And I faced the need to cook dinner.

And the cookies, nuts, and candy that AM prefers to eat are RIGHT there… waiting, for me, stalking me, calling me, urging me to just LET GO!!!! And I’m telling you ALL, it’s taken every ounce of self control to walk out of that kitchen.

AM’s plate of veggies is all ready to be nuked. The meat is in the toaster oven [4 oz breaded chicken cutlet with mozzarella — 190 calories, 22 grams of protein, 11 grams carbohydrate]. I figured I had 10 minutes before it was done. Soooo I RAN!!!!! With a HUGE mug of spiced tea, and now I’m hiding and typing furiously.

This all comes under the heading of taking care of self. Recognizing the triggers that set me off. Gotta identify them, give them names and forms, and figure out why they put me on AUTOMATIC EATING (why can’t it be automatic NOT eating? Can we retrain ourselves?)

It’s time to check AM’s dinner — Be right back!

So — right now, what does THIS one look like? I suspect it’s a fear of being trapped, and I try to emotionally run away and hide. Disconnect. I’ll keep you posted on what I figure out. In the meantime, AM’s dinner is beautifully dished up and hot. She’s eating in front of the TV. I have my cat on my lap, and the tea is working. So far, so good. Another crisis controlled, but not averted.

12 thoughts on “Just When You Think You Have It All Figured Out

  1. jappy says:

    I know you know you did everything you’re supposed to in order to ward off the stress eating, so really can’t make any suggestions.

    Just hope that you survived it all and you’re ok today. Although I’m crestfallen that “it” never ends, I’m encouraged that the immediate battles can be won! Thanks for sharing your struggle!

  2. Megan says:

    Good luck, and congratulations on taking time to take care of yourself, too.

  3. needles says:

    Boy does this get close to home for me. I love to read and have wondered why this solitary occupation, beyond all others is where I go to when feeling very stressed. With food of course. There is usually food involved with my reading. but is it a place to hide. As I read your post today, I know it is. To my soul I know it is. And it makes me wonder what else in my life is connected with need to hide out, to escape my real world

  4. Santana says:

    Sounds to me like you do have it all figured out. Crisis is when we get truly get tested to see if what we speak is how we live. Controlling is all we can truly expect of ourselves. I say, well done.

  5. jonquil says:

    You are one tough chick, Jane. Hang in there!

  6. Phildoggo says:

    Wow. I’ve never actually ‘heard’ someone think before. You seem pretty intent and I wish you luck on your quest. I sometimes find less thinking is more relaxing. A walk. A leisurely bike ride.

    I’m sure it was me who programmed myself somewhere along the line.

    Enjoy!
    Phil – Nutrition & Weight Loss

  7. silverbirch says:

    Jane – so far, so good indeed. Well done! It’s one step at a time, in my book.

    Nice to see you and Jonathan here. I’m enjoying your posts.

    Juju – it was a great idea to invite these people to join the SDP. And I’m thinking about you. Good luck in the next little bit.

  8. victoria says:

    Welcome, Jane! I was happy to discover your insightful post, and let me assure you that those feelings and situations are all too familiar. Sometimes I feel that urge hanging over me for days (I call it my black cloud), and sometimes the cloud passes and I’ll go for weeks without that incessent yearning. Spiced tea is a favorite of mine also. So glad to be hearing from you here, especially considering your GBS- so misunderstood by so many. Here’s to you, and to dispelling the myths.

  9. Skkylynn says:

    How can i loss weight? I am a 13 year old girl and I want to loss weight. I am 195lb and I would like to loss weight because at school i get picked on because of my weight. It makes my very sad when I get picked on

  10. Greta says:

    I had a terrible time living for two weeks with my 83 year old Alzheimer’s Mom and 89 year old Dad who get Meals on Wheels but prefer to eat cookies, crackers, ice cream with gooey sauce. They had an entire counter in the kitchen that looked like a convenience store. If I lived there permanently as you do I would have needed to change the situation because with it constantly in view I can hold out a few days without eating it but not longterm. What about putting the Treat foods into Alzheimer’s Mom’s own room? You could give her little bowls and maybe she’s still mentally good enough to serve herself some (my Mom can not serve herself and needs to be coaxed to eat). If that does not work you could devote a special cabinet to Mom’s food and you do not open that cupboard. You need to get this food out of your sight. One of Dr. Phil’s 7 keys to permanent weight loss is building a “no fail” environment so this stuff ought not be in your house, but since it must be there you must figure out a way to distance yourself from it visually and mentally consider it off limits.

  11. jane says:

    Oh thank you ALL for your comments. That warm feeling that comes from realizing that people are actually READING what I’ve done is even better than CHOCOLATE!

    and Skyylynn – losing weight isn’t easy, as you know, but tiny steps – little changes – seem to work for many people. A little more exercise, a little less sugar, perhaps. or fewer calories. just a thought.

    We have no control over tomorrow, or over yesterday, for that matter. The only thing we have is today. So today’s battle is enough. I’ll cope with tomorrow’s later.

    Food and AM. Greta – I’d love nothing more than to be able to stash AM’s food away. But she has that ‘out-of-sight, out-of-mind’ view of everything. If her room is tidy and all the clothes put away, she has nothing to wear. Doesn’t matter that her clothes take up two closets and two large dressers. I, on the other hand, have x-ray vision, so I can see through cabinets!!!!

  12. KCalla says:

    I’ve been missing your newsletter. Finally found it in my bulk mail! Today I read that you have an AM? That makes you a caregiver…and you need to take care of YOURSELF!!!

    I’m sure you have lots of info on *A*(http://www.alz.org/)
    but you need to read up on taking care of YOU too! http://www.caregiver.com/

    There are lots of resources out there Jane. Educate yourself on respite/helps!

    If you want to take a look at the resource manual I have on my website to give you some ideas (these are mainly for Alaska though)….go here: http://www.alaska.net/~kcalla/resource_manual.htm

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