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Invincible.

Afraid of Food?

A former student of my husband’s dropped by last night, in tow his wife of 10 years. We had never met, but quickly found some common ground. She had lost in the neighborhood of 50 pounds several years ago, and has been diligent about keeping it off.

She told me she’s a vegan, and so I pulled down my latest favorite cookbook — Raw, by Charlie Trotter and Roxanne Klein to share the recipes for nut sauces. And then she said something awfully interesting. She said she was impressed that I could still take such an interest in food. For years she has avoided the kitchen, avoided taking an interest, because food, frankly, scares her.

She’s scared of food. “It almost feels as if it will grab me and take me back,” she said.

Oh I know that fear. I’m still afraid that way.

So many of us who have lost a lot of weight. So are most of the dieters in the world. So are the people who choose never to lose weight for fear of becoming afraid of food.

This is all very sad. There are much sadder things in the world, but really, really, really, we should not be afraid of food.

If we’re afraid of it, that means it’s still in charge. We give food the power. And then we can’t enjoy its company any more. Can’t enjoy all the good traditions and associations that is food’s rightful place. Can’t enjoy it as nourishment, as celebration, as communion. As gift.

Dang. In business/government parlance, that would be a lose-lose, beloveds.

So, today, I’m thinking about that. Not sure how to fix it. If you have ideas, I hope you’ll share them. Journal in your journal, will you? or here? We need ideas.

32 thoughts on “Afraid of Food?

  1. stretchy says:

    I am not afraid of food, but at times over the years I have been afraid of ME and how I respond to food (and food is everywhere) I drive by food establishments, there is a room full of food in my house, and I would love to live alone sometimes so I could only keep the essentials in the food room! BUT I am very clear on food not being my enemy, I chose to overeat, maybe it was an addiction or a disease, but I knew all along there was a LOT of help out there and at any time I could find a way to stop. I just wasn’t ready until I had really allowed myself to make it a huge problem. I had to gain a few more stone before I woke up to the facts. I have no idea why I needed to hit bottom… The years go by, and bad foods are less interesting to me. I still have the occasional binge or a wacky craving. If I looked at the Twizzlers as scary, I guess I could blame them. Now I eat them when I go to see a film– I buy a package, share it, throw the rest away at the end. I guess I am the boss of the Twizzlers now. I don’t know if this is helpful.

  2. Lynette says:

    With 24 years of sobriety, I have no fear of alcohol, but I don’t wallow in it either. I stay out of slippery places and I don’t drink it in any form. I believe there are certain foods it’s best to treat as poison.

    I love to eat, love to cook and I can do both with great joy while still maintaining good health AND -120 pounds even eliminating some foods entirely.

    For me it comes down to giving up the fight: When do I finally accept ~ after 49 years of fighting it ~ that some foods simply trigger uncontrollable eating? The struggle eats up my life and ALWAYS results in the same thing: serious binges that wreck my emotions, my health, my self esteem.

    I have eliminated beets from my diet entirely. I’ve never eaten a kumquat. I am not safe eating sugar.

    I’ve actually never eaten beets or kumquats and will probably die without doing so. So why is it such a big deal to not eat sugar? There are a host of alternatives to sugar for sweetness, so why not just leave it out?

    For me it’s not fear, it’s sanity. And free of what surely seems to be a drug for THIS body, I can then eat a full range of foods, enjoy food as it’s meant to be enjoyed, and be fully alive AND healthy and fit and frisky.

  3. jonquil says:

    I’m not afraid of the food I make at home, but I have to be concerned when I go into a restaurant. Even when I make reasonably good choices, and eat half of the enormous portions, there’s always a “salt weight” gain the next day. Always. The implication: I would have to take enormous precautions on vacations, and that’s got me worried. Maybe I need to plan “bike and hike” trips?

  4. Michelle says:

    This is the very reason I recently went to the grocery store and then sat in the parking lot for thirty minutes. I never went in.

    Why?

    I was afraid I would be overwhelmed by the choices and make lots of not-so-good ones, thus ending up with a kitchen full of not-so-good-for-me food. So I went home with no food.

    Sad. And frustrating.

  5. Rebecca M says:

    It’s hard for me to imagine being afraid of food. It’s only an object, after all. I agree with Stretchy – what I’m afraid of is myself. Since I’m the one who always is in complete and total control over the food (even when I pretend that I;m ‘out of control’), the only thing I have to fear is myself.

  6. london slimmer says:

    I, too, suffer from the food fear. It’s easy to eat healthily when you can cook fresh delicious foods for yourself at home, but whenever I am not in control of my own food intake I get worried. I feel afraid of the longer periods away from my own kitchen (bursting with plain, fat-free fromage frais, oily fish and fresh vegetables and fruit). I had the time of my life in Rome on holiday, but returned home 10lbs heavier (in two weeks), even though I averaged 10 miles of walking per day (I wore a pedometer). It took me 6 months to lose the weight. Now I feel nervous about going on holiday. When I visit my family, who live out in the countryside far away from any easy sources of healthy food, I always panic. There are not many vegetables on offer, and those they cook are covered in butter and cheese sauce. The cupboard is full of biscuits and chocolate and my healthy low-cal snacks are nowhere to be found. I usually return 4-5lbs heavier than I went (even though, again, I get a LOT of exercise hiking and hillwalking) and this has altered my attitude. Where I used to look forward to my visits, they now fill me with dread and I actually avoided going up there last month, as I’ve been trying to lose 5lbs that have crept on and simply didn’t want to gain any more. Any helpful suggestions anyone can offer would be gratefully received!

  7. Cindy says:

    Fear of food or fear of yourself with food ~ It is the same thing! Anyone who tries to separate the two is fooling themselves. Of course pudding isn’t scary, but having pudding in my fridge is frightening beyond belief. I have been eating “healthy” since last September and there are certain foods I cannot have in the house yet. I am trying a few, but it is frightening. It could be so easy to fall back into old habits. I am not done losing yet, so the fear of gaining is enormous. So, yes, I can imagine being afraid of food (or afraid of what I will do with food ~ semantics only!). Every day. My suggestion is portion control ahead of time. One thing I do is sort my pasta into eight little piles when I open the package. Then I store them in eight little ziploc bags. That way, I am only cooking one portion at a time, because I know I can’t deal with a pot of pasta on the stove yet. I recently tried that with potato chips, my all time favorite food. It worked, but I still cannot get into the habit of having them in the house all the time. I cannot do buffets or mingle at parties with platters of food out (maybe some day, but not yet!). Ice cream works if I get it at the stand ~ one serving once. But I don’t let myself buy it a bring it home to the freezer ~ too tempting and distracting. I obsess. I need to cheat every once in a while so I don’t give up completely. This has helped me face my fears every once in a while all along. And then I journal my response. What did I feel? Was it worth it? What might I try next time? Anyway, that is how I deal with the fear. Cindy

  8. kirsty says:

    I can symapthise with the wanting not to have unhealthy foods in the house, or feeling dread at restaurants/holidays/family visits. I don’t always cope as well as I’d like, but a few things I find help are:

    Do not give up. Don’t be resigned to “there is no way I will be able to eat reasonably”. There are always ways. Think hard, find them, Plan. Prepare. Pack.

    Take healthy snacks (but watch out if you are a binger who might eat them AND then the biccies/chocs/cakes/crisps).

    When eating out, don’t give up – study the menu carefully and get the best thing you can. Ask if you can have veg/salad instead of chips/potatoes (often they are quite happy to do this). Swap your chips for somebody else’s veg/salad. Order a side salad if you can. Cut the batter off of fish, the pastry off chicken, don’t eat the creamy sauce – get inventive!!!

    Perfectionism is the enemy – because in a non-total-control situation you will never achieve it, and if you are holding to a perfectionist ideal you will tend to give up spectacularly at the first ‘non-perfect’ item and think “what the hell” and off you go, compulsively eating too much of not-so-great things because you have given yourself permission to be “off the leash”.

    Do as well as you can, as you really truly can, when you are thinking hard and creatively. Enjoy the process too!!!!

  9. vickie says:

    This post hit home.There have been one to many parties and affairs I have not attended in fear of the food. The problem is that,when that happened , I was so angry at myself I stayed home and binged all night.Its an illness that I have yet to conquer, and unfortunatlely Im 55 years old! I have had food issues since I was 12 when my mom took me to a diet doctor..In my mind, its almost worse than alcoholism, because we cant live without food… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

  10. Mary says:

    I agree with those of you who say that you’re not afraid of food but afraid of your reaction to it. That is me to a tee. I lost 120 lbs. in 2003-04 and have kept it off. However, there is not a day that goes by that the realization hits me of the amount of power I allow food to have over me. When I’m happy, sad, lonely, depressed, the first thought in my mind is, “What can I eat?” It’s a constant fight within me. I’ve come to the conclusion that this is the way it’s going to be with me – it’s been that way since I was a child and I’m over 50 now. I just have to deal with it on a daily basis so I can live my life in a healthy manner. I have two young children and they are my motivation for staying healthy. When I weighed close to 300 lbs., I was not the kind of mother I wanted to be. It’s a struggle but lots of people have struggles – this is mine.

  11. puglover says:

    I agree with so many….the word ‘yet’ at the end of a sentence about a food that cannot be handled (YET)…the concept of having always been in control (even when I wanted so terribly to say I wasn’t) and simply a product of my own mis-management of this whole weight project.

    Bottom line-The food has no power. Never did. I made all that up to avoid looking at all the reasons I ate; reasons that had nothing to do with the only two things food can do for me; namely, fuel my body and give me joy. Period. As long as I pretended not to have any power over food, food was the problem, nott me-not my refusing to ‘deal’ with things without the distracting/numbing/supressing assistance of food.

    It has taken well over half my life, but I finally can say I have nothing to fear from either food or me. My major concerns these days are life circumstances beyond my control. When it comes to food intake, exercise and my weight, I’ve got it covered. Doesn’t mean it’s perfect, just means I am in charge and fine with what I do. And, my opinion is the only one that matters.

  12. Constance says:

    I have trigger foods that scare me. An example would be Cheetos Puffs. I went to a high school reunion a few years ago with a group of students that I only attended 5th to 7th grades with. One of my friends said she never saw a bag of Cheetos without thinking of me. OK, the problem began early in life. I bought a box of the 100 calorie Cheeto balls. They are tasty, and portioned. I ate the entire box over a few hours. I consider myself smart, dedicated to the cause of good health/weight loss – this behavior scares me. I won’t buy those things again anytime soon!

  13. stretchy says:

    I have never been phobic about food, the way someone is scared of spiders or rats or snakes. Food has always been a comfort. Chocolate pudding was always a pal. I won’t develop any phobias re: chocolate!!!

    What I feared at my high weight, were my own feelings, and it isn’t simply fear, it is shame as as well, and it wasn’t confined to food: people are far more complex than that. What causes me to reach for a tub of ice cream is not a fear of that ice cream. I know some people feel it may be a need to punish oneself, but overwhelmingly people tell me they reach for comfort, to calm themselves, and that feelings of anger are usually buried beneath many other feelings in that moment.
    Talk about complex! Everyone is very different.

    I agree with Mary. It may be a constant fight, but it isn’t a fight with a banana split, it is a lot more more complicated. We have to dig deeper. We need food to live, we stress over what and how much we can eat and still be healthy in mind, body, and spirit.

  14. london slimmer says:

    At least with foods at home, we can control the situation. There’s no particular merit in being able to have biscuits, crisps or ice cream in the kitchen and resist eating it. I think in that case, just don’t buy it in the first place – nobody needs those kinds of foods in their kitchen. It doesn’t mean that the danger goes away. I live in a big city and can step out of the door and get almost any food I want within 10 minutes, but I don’t think I could ever keep a packet of chocolate hobnobs in the flat.

  15. Lois says:

    When i think of fears and triggers, for ME anyway, these are just more excuses I use all the time to remain where I am, overweight and at a plateau. I have to ask myself WHY I need to abuse food? Oh it calls to me, it frightens me, it soothes me–when will I stop defending my behavior or shielding it this way? I mean i can think of all kinds of excuses, it is an illness for me surely, but there has to be a cure, I am a not so weak that I cannot find a way out. Feelings about food are not simple at all– and to say oh it’s this or that or the same thing as that, that is not it for me. I am struggling here, and it is really complicated. it takes hard work and when will I be ready to face it? If I am scared of foods, well then it is the food, not me–and I have no control. i need to look at Me.

  16. Lois says:

    When i think of fears and triggers, for ME anyway, these are just more excuses I use all the time to remain where I am, overweight and at a plateau. I have to ask myself WHY I need to abuse food? Oh it calls to me, it frightens me, it soothes me–when will I stop defending my behavior or shielding it this way? I mean i can think of all kinds of excuses, it is an illness for me surely, but there has to be a cure, I am a not so weak that I cannot find a way out. Feelings about food are not simple at all– and to say oh it’s this or that or the same thing as that, that is not it for me. I am struggling here, and it is really complicated. it takes hard work and when will I be ready to face it? If I am scared of foods, well then it is the food, not me–and I have no control. i need to look at Me.

  17. susan says:

    I freely admit that when I am trying to lose or maintain weight I am very afraid of food. When I weighed 30 pounds less than I do right now I avoided social situations that involved food, I went so far as to take my own food to scrapbooking crops or cookouts at friends’ houses, and I dreaded going anywhere I couldn’t control the food served.

    Right now I’m not afraid of food — but I’m 25 pounds overweight. I don’t know how to fix this. This has been “the way it is” since I was 15 years old. I was either hungry a LOT and exercising like a maniac or exercising a reasonable amount and eating what I wanted but was overweight.

  18. Cat says:

    Well, yes…and no. I think that I might more truthfully say I fear situations. Like a lot of you all, I’m no longer prone to binge when I’m alone at home. Or, if I do, my idea of a binge is a whole two glasses of wine and three pieces of wheat toast, or maybe a two-point lowfat ice cream bar. But eating out, with other people around, Ms. Hyde stops hiding and emerges. If they’re drinking beer, I want beer. If they’re having dessert, I must have cheesecake.

    And while this is partly about me and food and all the usual sorts of food issues people have (I’m lucky in that mine run to the mild end of the spectrum), it’s begun to dawn on me that this is also about stress, satisfaction, and control. There are a lot of reasons why my favorite situation is being at home, often being at home alone: because my very favorite pastime, reading, happens mostly in solitude; because in solitude I have control over things around me; because I’m a bit shy in public, so that relating even to people I love can be strangely stressful; because even though I like restaurant food, and party food, I don’t really like restaurants or parties (hard chairs, food everywhere, small talk, public clothes.) In short, in an out-in-public situation, I’m not getting my favorite sources of satisfaction (reading, quiet, physical comfort, social comfort, and above all, control of my environment.) Instead I’m getting mild levels of stress, which aren’t too high a price to pay for interacting with people you basically like, but which does contribute to wanting to eat anything that doesn’t eat me first.

    So, no, the food’s not the enemy; my nature isn’t really the enemy either; I’m pretty much okay with choosing something a little higher-calorie in a festive setting; but the situations? The way I react to perfectly normal socializing? Not so normal. And maybe not so healthy. Though I’m danged if I know what to do about that one. The portion-controlled bags, handy as they are, don’t always address the bigger picture.

  19. Kathy says:

    Fear and tension go hand-in-hand. When I allow myself the freedom to know that I can eat anything I want, the tension vanishes. And I certainly *can* eat anything I want in the big scheme of things. Then, when I adjust this to tell myself that I may not *want* certain foods because of their fat/sugar/empty calorie content, then the tension is replaced by a decision-making mode—which by the way, feels more in-control, mature, and “adult” than “oooohh, I just can’t be around fudge!”

    So occasionally I have foods that are not the most healthy choices. The KEY is not to do this two meals and/or two days in a row. Here again, if I stress that I can’t stop after one meal/snack of foods I normally don’t include in my diet, the tension drives me in the direction of “what the hell–I blew it!” Keeping my wits about me always results in “that was fun–now back to business. I really truly do prefer the feeling I have after a turkey sandwich with honey mustard and a side of soy crisps. I’ll stay away from the carrot cake for a while.”

    Believe me–I had my years and years of being afraid of food, and afraid that if I went off my diet/program once, it was ooooovvveeeerrr. But that was tension, lack of confidence in myself, and inflexibility talking. What I’m doing now works well. Fighting others around me who eat like I used to every day, 3 times a day, is the biggest challenge. But I tell myself that I’m more in control, getting healthier than they are, and smarter than to think that my body can function well on junk.

  20. Carla says:

    I too, was afraid of food until I found a different approach. The CAMP system at mindfuleating.org has helped me respect and honor food and see it as the gift it is. Try it out!

  21. mary jean says:

    It is not about the food….I really believe that. For me it is about what drives my emotional eating, mostly fear, resentment and guilt. When I can be present to what I am feeling and willing to sit with it regardless of the discomfort, food is not an issue. I mean, it is in that I do endeavor to make healthy choices most of the time and I eat moderate meals but it is not the driving force of my life any more. It takes guts and honesty to get to the real issues and as long as I was making food the issue, I was incapable of doing that.

    Food is just food, it is not the enemy any more.

  22. Susie says:

    I, too, began my weight loss journey by learning mindful eating and meditation. I can honestly say that after 3 years (and having lost 75 pounds), food doesn’t scare me anymore.

    And like the others above, it helps to understand that food isn’t scary, the emotions and needs that drive out-of-control eating are scary. There are tools to deal with those emotions. (In my case, yoga and meditation.)

    Also, those of us with weight issues tend to catastrophize (sp?) a few pounds. Lots of lifelong skinny people gain 5 pounds on vacation. So what if it takes a couple of months to get it off? It’s not the end of the world.

    Food anxieties are a signal to pay attention to something….but what?

    Susie

  23. forced sex says:

    Wellcome to the real world.

  24. Lee says:

    This morning, when I was talking to myself in the car, I said “This is interesting – the more weight I lose, the less worried I am that it can jump back on without my noticing.” I can certainly understand how food can be seen as the enemy, I can understand how I can be my own worst friend. BUT – if you don’t eat, you die. If you do eat, you are powered to do things. Very tricky.

  25. deedee says:

    I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can see food for the thing it is..fuel. What has been difficult is dealing with the everyday issues (stress, disappointment, loneliness, etc) that I used to stuff down with food. Learning to deal with them without using the food has been a challenge, but the longer I’m away from that kind of using the more I’m aware of it and my fears of using it for stress management, etc. lessen. I’d like to get to a day when I don’t see food as entertainment, celebration, companion, but Only as fuel. At least now fuel is a bigger portion of that group..there is hope.

  26. Sheri says:

    One of the saddest things that happens to me with food is when I have a food item that I was able to stay under control with (eat 1 portion and walk away) and then, sometimes after a year or more of having no problem controlling myself with that food item, it becomes a problem food. I can no longer control myself with it and it has to go.

    Yea, I’m definitely in the “afraid of myself with (some) food” category. On the other hand, I am of the “everything in moderation” philosophy. I go have a good restaurant burger and fries about once a month, but I only eat half. I go to Baskin & Robbins for full fat ice cream now and then–but I only get 1 kiddie-sized scoop. There are some things I’ve completely given up, but not many.

  27. Rachel says:

    I know why I love this site so much. It’s about success and winning. As I police myself with food, I take the same approach to diet posts. I’ve narrowed my search for the finest. This is it.

    I have been compulsive about food and carried that over to diets, diet blogs. Like shopping in a store with too many choices, you walk out empty handed.

    A diet expert said the success of “Subway” sandwich guy was not in the particular food he ate, but his limited choices and a very simple routine. He was on auto pilot and it worked.

  28. london slimmer says:

    Juju, This post seems to have struck such a chord with so many of us, perhaps you could write more on the topic? I for one would welcome more help and advice, or just ruminations on the subject.

  29. Denise says:

    I gave myself minor fear of food beginning in the 1970’s and 1980’s when I read “Sugar Blues” and some book about fiber (can‘t remember the name of it).

    And then I got major fear of food beginning in 1993 when I first read about low fat diets and vegan diets. I was afraid of all kinds of things… fats, oils, calories, sugar, artificial sweeteners, meat, dairy, nuts, avocados… even tofu was considered “high fat” of all things. (In the 1990’s, there were no good oils… it was all bad.) I feared studies on dairy and thought that there were government conspiracies (well maybe I still think that! :~) I feared food that wasn’t organic. I feared GMO or Franken-food.

    BUT, even fear didn’t stop me from eating it when I got off plan… and I ate a LOT of fast food. It didn’t stop me from eating half a cake when I was stressed… FEAR OF FOOD DID NOT KEEP ME THIN!!

    I kept the fear of food (especially feared the fat and oils) for a really long time (even as I was gaining 55 lbs)… and then the week we moved (August 2004 and after I had lost most of the weight)… we went out to eat with MIL and I ordered fish and chips. I think it was the first time I had my own order of fish & chips in 11 years and I had been working hard and I just decided, “I want fish and chips and I‘m going to have them.”

    And my dinner came, and I looked down and I had eaten about 10 French fries and I realized that I hadn’t had ONE thought about how many fat grams, or calories or points or how many fries should I have or how many fries should I not have and I felt like crying, I was sooooo happy to be a “normal” person and just enjoying my food and enjoying the conversation with my family. It wasn’t “mindless” eating. It was just plain old normal eating. Like eating when you are a little kid and having a fun meal and you don’t even know that calories or fat grams exist.

    And I knew that eating this one dinner wasn’t going to make me gain it all back. It was one dinner. I really understood gut level that what I did day after day after day, got me fat and got me thin… and one dinner was just some blip in my lifetime and not something to feel guilt or shame or remorse.

    I won’t say that I’ve never had relapses of “fear of food” but I’ll always remember that day and thought OMG! I can be a “normal” person. And in some ways food kind of lost it’s hold on me.

    I think fear of food can MAKE people fat. If it makes you feel deprived, it can make you fat. Humans don’t do deprivation well and there is backlash. Many studies have shown that dieting/deprivation/hunger actually causes binging.

    I also think that it is hard to do “Flexible Restraint” well when you have fear of food. I REALLY believe that it is REALLY necessary to learn Flexible Restraint or moderation to do really long term weight maint and do it well.

    A lot of people posted about trigger foods. And there are some trigger foods that I don’t keep in the house… but I don’t keep them in the house out of fear. I see it as common sense… since I don’t want to eat a half gallon of ice cream… why would I buy it and keep it in the house??? But we still eat ice cream… but I don’t buy 16 servings of it for my family of Three. But that seems like common sense to me. Why torment myself taking half cup servings out of these big honking containers?

  30. Denise says:

    Also, learning about biology and binging and over-eating REALLY helped me a lot with the fear of food thing.

    We have the biology of a hunter gatherer and over-eating is hard wired into us. We are the 2nd or 3rd generation to be confronted with too much food all of the time. In the not so distant past, people might go thru periods where there was not enough food. So eating a lot when the opportunity presents itself is necessary for survival. If we see 16 servings of ice cream, some neuron fires in our brain that says, “Yippee!! Food!!! Eat 3 cups!” So in a way, to dish up a tiny ½ cup serving is going against our better survival instincts.

    It really helped me to learn that I’m sort of driven to over-eat by biology and not because I’m weak or a pig. It can be scary to feel like we are out of control and feel driven to over-eat… But learning out that over eating is not a moral defect or a will power issue really helped me.

    So now I don’t bring half gallons of ice cream into the house… but it isn’t that I “fear” the ice cream… it is just easier. If I am physically/mentally/emotionally hardwired to over eat… why set myself up for the stress of trying to “control” myself and searching for will power to scoop out just a half cup… when something way deep inside of me is saying, “Eat more!!!!”

    Food needs to be managed, yes… but not feared. But it is odd to be living in a culture with too much food. Humans don’t have a lot of experience with this and it is a very confusing time, I think. It is hard to be on the cutting edge of a new era…

  31. anet says:

    i was never afraid of chocolate but i got very angry w/ it. afer two years of eating very well, i started allowing myself more chocolate– my oldest addiction..then I saw I was eating more– and found nyself eating truffles first thing on a Sunday morning…this pissed me off. For 20 years I was eating choc a minimum of 2 meals/day (yep, you can absolutely live that long on mostly junkfood/candy AND not be obese AND be feel great and be energetic) but I just didn’t wanna go back to those habits. I worked so hard to start eating nutritiously. SO I BOOTED chocolate OUT. I threw every last truffle I had over the fence in my back yard, and stomped my truffle stash I had at work (looked like dog crap in my shoe soles). I made our home a NO CHOCOLATE zone. I wish I could be a moderate choc eater, but for me it just never worked out that way.

  32. Barbara says:

    This is just fascinating to me to read all of these comments and gives me much food for thought.

    I have never really considered it a fear of food but more a fear of lack of control and failing at my commitment to taking care of myself. Shame is definitely an emotion that kicks in.

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