Skinny Daily Post

Invincible.

Remember all those size issues I have? Well, it turns out that at some point over the past two years, the voice of reality came through loud and clear. All those wonderful summer pajamas, those comfy sizes 26, 28, 30, 32, that just hung on my new size 16-18 or so body have disappeared.

Iíve been hunting them for the past two weeks, in all the little hidey-holes: laundry room, closets, bins, backs of drawers, suitcases. In short, Iíve torn the house apart, looking for the Ďold faithfuls.í

It finally dawned on me. During one of those periods when I was actually conscious of my size, I must have donated them to charity or tossed them out.

So, why the hunt? Why am I not content with the summer pajamas that fit? True confessions Ė that voice of sanity isnít operating these days.

I KNOW Iíve gained a few pounds. Still not chased out of my pants or shirts, but theyíre all a wee bit snugger and itís way past time to knuckle down with what I know has to happen.

But is that enough of a reason to be so afraid of wearing last yearís pajamas? That non-reality voice in my head says that it is! I just KNOW Iím going to be miserable in them.

As last summerís clothes have been unpacked and worn again, Iíve been pleasantly surprised. OK. let me be honest. ďpleasantly surprisedĒ is an understatement. Itís been a thrill, and I feel as if Iíve dodged a major bullet here.

So, the voice of reality is telling me that these pajamas may or may not fit. I may or may not have to go buy new ones. But the real message from THE VOICE is that I have to be more careful. I cannot Ė absolutely cannot Ė live with the constant fear of having outgrown everything.

Reality isn’t a bad thing. Honest. But the Land of Denial, although a lovely vacation spot, is not a place to live, especially if the goal is a happy, healthy life.

13 thoughts on “That voice of reality

  1. Vickie says:

    I am wearing summer pj’s that are many sizes too big (also) – during the day I enjoy the “new” slimness of fitted things. But the huge, old cotton gowns are just so free and cool on hot summer nights.

  2. Cindy says:

    I live in fear of my clothes every day ~ PJ’s included. I hold up my shorts and look at them before I put them on… and swear they will not fit. I am sure of it, even if I’ve worn them the day before. I am sure they won’t fit, right up to the moment I zip them up, and even then I consider it a miracle of sorts ~ some freak of science that they went over my body. So size issues will be with me for a while, I guess, if they still haunt you. I have been at this for nine months and I am getting tired, at times. But I still have a long way to go, so there will be new challenges and sizes to deal with. Sometimes i wonder who I am in the middle of all this…

  3. Cat says:

    Two things here really stand out for me:

    One, “itís way past time to knuckle down with what I know has to happen.” Um, yeah. I’m kind of there. Actually, I’m really there, having been plateau’d at a certain weight for several weeks and having this past week gone up a pound or two. But (long and possibly not very pertinent rant ahead), I don’t want do what I know needs doing. I don’t want to stop eating (whole wheat! whole wheat! with light margarine) toast. I don’t want to stop having my snack at bedtime. I don’t want to ratchet up the exercise any more. And, if anybody cares, I do NOT like going from 22 points per day to 20 points on WW. Don’t wanna don’t wanna don’t wanna. I’ve been more or less virtuous, with various minor cheating, since Hallowe’en (this time around.) I’m tired of it. I’m bored with it. I want a pain au chocolat and a taco. And maybe an ice cream cake. But, perversely, I do not want to watch the scale climb and my jeans tighten. That switch in the brain, that definitive CLICK we all need to hold on to this lifestyle, it’s not doing it. Somebody tell me there’s a way around this!

    But there isn’t, which leads me to the second thing that really grabs me here: “Sometimes I wonder who I am in the middle of all this.” Oh, girl. I still identify myself as a large person. I still feel as though, if I gain weight back, it might never come off again. I still look in the Lane Bryant displays. And I still feel pretty much at my current weight the way I did forty pounds ago: maybe a little more comfort, a lot more energy, a little more satisfaction with image, and a lot more clothes to choose from, but basically still anxious about weight, anxious with current weight, and way, way torn about what I really, really want. Oh, yeah.

  4. Mercury says:

    Cat, if you don’t want to cut out some of your treats, and you don’t want to gain weight, maybe you should make a conscious decision to maintain for a few weeks, chill a bit, and see if your motivation to lose more weight returns. Maybe you’ll discover some other, lower point foods that work for you, or some more interesting exercise. And congratulations on your weight loss!

  5. london slimmer says:

    I haven’t kept any clothes in larger sizes – all my clothes are now the same size. I’m trying, at the moment, to lose 5lbs that have crept back on and have decided to take a gentle approach, which doesn’t involve counting calories, just making healthy choices at every meal, exercising regularly and using my clothes as a guideline (my husband lost 50lbs that way). That means, however, that I, too, feel scared by clothes. My husband bought a dress for me as a birthday present and it was months before I dared to try it on. I was afraid of the pain and upset it might cause me if it didn’t fit (it did). Isn’t that crazy? If it were winter, I could live in jeans, which I find are very forgiving of weight fluctuations, but it’s summer and time to bring out those snug shorts and slightly-too-tight pretty cotton dresses.

    By the way, Cat, don’t worry about that bedtime snack. My husband and I have lost a lot of weight and kept it off for more than three years (we’re both pretty slender now) and we both always, without fail, eat a snack before bed (I like 2 or 3 oatcakes with a banana and a glass of light soymilk; he generally has a large bowl of porridge). It’s an old wives’ tale that what you eat late at night will turn into fat. Personally, if I don’t have a bedtime snack I can’t get to sleep for my tummy rumbles.

  6. jonquil says:

    When I was losing, I naively thought I’d get back the body I had before. Nope. Time had passed. The new bod was more “mature” looking, a bigger rack, a tummy, sagging, turkey wattles. I made peace with that, sort of.

    And just when I thought I had my body image all adjusted, menopause hit, full force. The past couple of cycles, it’s been a perfect storm of hormones: it’s suddenly getting much harder to manage my weight. And my body composition feels like it’s changed for the worse– more fat, more water, less muscle. Except in my face, hands, and feet, where I’m rapidly losing fat, collagen, and elastin. The result: tighter clothes, more wrinkles, squish, and sagging. With my greying hair (even my eyebrows are going grey), plus the front tooth that had to be pulled, I feel fat, fugly, and old.

    Oh well. Got to suck it up and get the job done anyhow– there’s no crying in weight loss. In any case, time in its flight brings good stuff too: my niece is having a baby, the first new life in our family in many years. I sure hope she isn’t having body image issues!

  7. stretchy says:

    I agree with London Slimmer– just keep your “slimmer body” clothes, and I often eat yogurt before bed if I am hungry.

    Keeping Fat clothes means you think you just might fit into them again, and I decided to be stubborn and refuse to fit in them again, so out they went! goodbye Fat pants!

    When I was heavy, sexy clothes and shoes were uncomfortable, a disaster. I chose frumpy, very loose clothing. Looking at old photos I cringe! The only person i was fooling was myself!

    Now I find frump clothes uncomfortable, creepy, and a disaster. When i wore frump stuff i was advertising how I felt about myself. Now I dress appropriately for my age, in a way that is up to date and appealing.

    we’ll all be more active now that summer is here, and that’s something to smile about.

  8. stretchy says:

    I guess it is OK to wear PJs that are huge on you, as long as you are not wearing them while eating, I can’t see any reason not to wear them. I got rid of mine and bought super soft comfy things in my own size. Wearing something that’s huge on me… just not for me, extra fabric is… well, if I want something flowing and sensuous, I can get it in my size.

  9. Vickie says:

    Jane – it is amazing.
    One day we “hear” something and it is just an interesting fact. We make note of it and move on.
    Months later we “hear” this same fact, said the exact same way, by the same person, AND we are able to APPLY it to our lives and move on. Thanks.
    Vickie

  10. Lynette says:

    I once gained 60 pounds avoiding scales and going solely by the fit of my clothes. I gained 80 pounds during another “staying off the scales, just eating healthy” episode.

    If I never lose another pound beyond the -120, I am okay with that. I’d like to lose another 50, but as far as how I look and feel and my health and fitness, I’m fabulous enough for me.

    But. I. Never. Want. To. Go. Back. I’m scared to death. I don’t think I’d walk away again. I was near handicapped with the fat this last time and I can’t go back.

    I am doing everything different this time and one of the things I’m doing is weighing every day. I have to. Accountability has to come from somewhere for me. Clothes work for me too and I am very conscious of the fit of things.

    Nevertheless, I keep my old size 5X flannel jammies and wear them around the house. That’s a comfort thing AND a reminder of when I filled them out.

    I’m rambling. I just appreciate you and all of those who post. Thanks…

  11. Greta says:

    Clothes are a problem for me, too. I have never regained all the weight I lost 6 years ago, but I keep bobbing up and down by about 10-15 pounds. If I am down all the way I have a lot of things that fit me. If I bob up 10 pounds, suddenly I don’t fit into my clothes anymore and I struggle to find something to wear. It’s very distressing. However, when I am at my thinnest, I HATE wearing baggy clothes, even baggy pajamas, so I long ago gave away ALL my “big” clothes. Still I struggle with the clothing issue. I never want to buy any clothes because I am never sure what I will weigh. Will I stay this weight? Lose? Gain? I definitely have size insecurity.

  12. london slimmer says:

    I’m trying the ‘healthy eating, no scales’ thing partly because I think I’ve become a little over-obsessive on the calorie-counting front and that has led to a couple of episodes of binging. Also, I have my husband to keep me on track (he doesn’t count calories as such, but knows the calorie counts of everything and chooses the lower-calorie things – we eat almost all our meals together and I eat only very specific snacks which I know are low calorie and nutritious. It’s not for everyone.

  13. NewJane says:

    Body image and clothes are a big issue for me right now. I’ve been obese since toddlerhood, so I have no idea what I’ll look like at a healthy weight. Two years ago I lost 50 pounds, taking me from morbidly obese to the middle of the obese category on the BMI charts. This last year I’ve been mostly “stuck” weight-wise, losing another 5 pounds, which has taken me into new territory – my lowest adult weight. And even as I’ve been frustrated with the last of weight loss, this year hasn’t been stagnant, as I’ve made some significant behavioral changes I had wanted to do for many years, like learning to keep a clean house, reading less while doing more, and reaching out more socially.

    Recently, I realized that one of the difficulties I had with visualizing myself at a healthy weight was that at 43 years old, I had no idea what my fashion style was! What sort of styles would I actually prefer to wear, if I weren’t mostly trying to cover up my fat? I’ve now spent months making a scrapbook of clippings of outfits I like from catalogs.

    A couple of weeks ago I stepped out into the fear and ordered some flashy print jackets I loved but assumed wouldn’t fit me, even though they came in “my size.” Turned out the two from one brand fit beautifully and I was exhilerated to see myself the image I had hoped for so long. The other brand clearly used a fit model with a much shorter torso and longer arms than I have, among other things. I was able to not take it personally – a huge step forward!

    Then one day while I was flipping through a Lane Bryant catalog, it hit me that except for a few basics like underwear and jeans, everything in it was “fat clothes!” Somehow I had NEVER noticed that before! The following evening I realized that every time I looked through that and other similar “fat lady catalogs” my self-image as morbidly obese was reinforced. So I called and asked them to remove me from their lists. If I really need something I always look online anyway, so it’s no loss.

    Now it’s time to find which stores and catalogs have things I can look forward to wearing.

    That was last week. This week my closet is suddenly full of dumpy fat lady clothes. I’ll put something on I thought was fine the last time I wore it and think, “Ick! I can’t wear THIS out of the house!” They fit, but I don’t feel attractive in them. Suddenly I prefer zip-up jeans and shirts which end above my hips, instead of pull-on leggings and long full tunics.

    I’d been praying for a renewing of my mind to see myself differently, with the real possibility of attaining a healthy weight, but I must say, this sudden series of epiphanies has been quite unsettling. I keep wondering, “What next?”

    And still, my weight is stuck and I struggle with being sick of the whole effort of attempting to lose weight. It is hope and my eyes being opened to it which I have been needing to move on? Time will tell.

    I would like to read a lot more on the whole self-image topic. As I’ve lost weight, I seem to have lost my ability to judge how big I am, whether I will fit into clothes or chairs or between people in a crowd even. I can no longer tell who wears a larger or smaller size than me. It’s as it all the learning of my brain all these decades is suddenly useless in relation to my size and image. It’s an odd disconnect and very disturbing.

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